Payne takes a vacation …

Payne was packing his bags into his red Porsche last night getting ready for the trip back home … I think he lives in Oregon or somethin’ … when he heard me talking about how much fun I’m having here without him. Turns out the guy has a real jealous streak so he decided to stick around a little longer.  

My lesson here is: “drop the fear.” When I saw him coming back in, I got scared and thought, “but hey, wait, what about all the things I’m doing?” scanning my mental list for what I could have done wrong to make him come back.  

Which in and of itself is ok. Mental list. What did I do? Good to look at.  

Maybe I did something. Accept the consequences.  

Maybe I didn’t. Accept that life is imperfect. Or better said, “life is perfect in it’s imperfection.” 

I think I made that up. Can I take credit?  

So now that I have my houseguest back, at least for now, what will I do with him?  

Last night, I laid down for about twenty minutes in Holly’s car while she negotiated a labyrinth of plans for watching fireworks with this or that set of kids in this or that location with this or that set of relatives. I detached myself from the process, put the seat back in the car, popped my shoes off and dangled my feet out the window as Payne and I closed our eyes and relaxed. I made sure she knew this was not a look of annoyance, it was the look of relaxation. I needed it.  

Then I took Payne to see the fireworks.  

It was a great scene, music down by the water and scads of people. At first I felt like crying, wishing my date was not Payne. Then Anthony, Holly’s 11 year old son, began making me laugh so much that I didn’t think about anything anymore. Laughing over nothing, you know? That’s the best laughter.  

He leaned over and told me, “I’m going to copy whatever people say.” At first I had no idea what he meant but when I heard him doing it, it just struck me as so delightfully funny. A light went up in the sky and the crowd gasped, “ooooh” and there is Anthony next to me, “OOOOOH!!!” I’d hear a, “wooo-hoo!” from someone and then Anthony, “WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!”  For whatever reason, I got such a kick out of that.  

The fireworks were the best I’ve ever seen, they were sort of magical it seemed … full of ten times extra sparkle and sizzle. It was gorgeous.  

I missed my dance partner that night. It’s nice to have someone be your person even if they’re only your fake boyfriend. They put their hand on your back or stand behind you and when they see something special in the sky, they put their head next to yours and point it out to you.  

My pretend boyfriend did that on Tuesday night when we were walking into the restaurant to dance. There was a noise and I turned to see only a dark sky. Apparently someone had set off fireworks but I didn’t see where they had been. He pulled me aside from behind, put his head next to mine and showed me where to look. Then we stood there together and it happened again. It was a special feeling, you know? Like a closeness. What a nice feeling to feel with your brand new pretend boyfriend.  

So anyway, Payne was jealous and took advantage of the fact that I didn’t take my painkiller last night (Holly just reminded me of that … a-ha! That maaay have somethin’ to do with it, huh? 😉  He may not be willing to hit the road when you’re not taking your painkillers.  

But the good thing is, the painkillers actually *do* something now. The fact that I have leverage by how I spend my day and the things I eat and all that … the fact that I can see to it that the medication gets a fighting chance to work is really something. So I can’t give them up quite yet, ok no biggie. At least they work now. That’s very cool, right?

And being happy the majority of the time, that’s something too!

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~ by gigablonde on July 8, 2007.

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